We have a special guest writer this week…
BLOWING IT: A Scientific Analysis That I Am Not Making Up
By “Dave Barry”*
Today we’re going to discuss two important scientific topics that have baffled researchers for years, or at least since I started typing this sentence: whale blowholes and NFL quarterback Tua Tagovailoa’s concussions. And if you think these topics aren’t related, then you clearly haven’t been drinking what the Miami Dolphins’ medical staff has.
FACT: Whales have blowholes because at some point during evolution, their ancestors decided that breathing through their mouths like normal animals wasn’t cool enough, so they moved their nostrils to the tops of their heads. This is exactly the kind of thing that would happen if you let whales watch too many MTV music videos.
FACT: Tua Tagovailoa is the quarterback for the Miami Dolphins, which, according to leading scientists who have spent minutes researching this on Wikipedia, is not actually a dolphin. Although if you watched him wobble off the field after certain hits, you might think he was attempting to perfect his marine mammal impression.
But here’s where it gets interesting (Notice I didn’t put “FACT” in front of this one, because my editor gets cranky when I use too many capital letters). Both blowholes and Tua serve essentially the same biological function: they’re holes in heads that sometimes worry people. When a whale surfaces and shoots water through its blowhole, marine biologists get excited and take pictures. When Tua gets hit and looks wobbly, NFL doctors get excited and hold up random numbers of fingers, which I’m pretty sure is just their way of practicing math.
The NFL, in its infinite wisdom (NOTE TO EDITOR: Please insert laugh track here), has been studying concussion protocols with the same intensity that my dog studies the possibility that the mailman might actually be a squirrel in disguise. Meanwhile, whales have been perfecting their head-protection system for millions of years, which is approximately how long it feels like when you’re watching a football game with TV timeouts.
Here’s how the whale system works:
- Get a blowhole
- Don’t let it get hit by linebackers
- There is no step 3
The NFL system is slightly more complicated:
- Get a quarterback
- Put him in a helmet that costs more than my first car
- Watch him get hit by people the size of small buildings
- Act surprised when physics happens
- Consult a “concussion protocol” that was apparently written by the same people who design furniture assembly instructions
- Repeat until somebody retires or evolves a blowhole
Scientists (and here I mean “people who wear white coats in stock photos”) suggest that if we really wanted to protect NFL quarterbacks, we should either: A) Install blowholes in their helmets B) Make all defensive players wear whale costumes C) Replace the football with a sardine
The Miami Dolphins’ team doctors reportedly considered these options but rejected them because, and I quote: “That would be silly.” Instead, they’ve stuck with their traditional method of protecting quarterbacks, which involves crossing their fingers and hoping really hard.
In conclusion, if you see a whale watching NFL football, or Tua swimming with dolphins (the actual ones, not his teammates), don’t be alarmed. They’re probably just comparing notes on head safety. And that’s not a joke, which is probably the funniest thing about this whole situation.
*Not actually Dave Barry, but if he’s reading this, I’m a huge fan and would love to discuss blowholes over coffee sometime.
(NOTE TO EDITOR: Is this too many parenthetical asides? Just kidding, there’s no such thing.)
Oh, don’t forget we are giving away an Andre Reed signed trading card, the entire collection of Josh’s Jaqs, and a swell, furry buffalo for the kiddos. Margarita Lime is our wing flavor this week and of course, the Dolphin game kicks off at 1 PM at South Street.
Guilty of a bit of AI abuse,
BRIAN
